It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
