The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
