Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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