Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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