I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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