I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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