this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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