we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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