Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
