You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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