It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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