I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
