Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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