I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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