He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
