I can text with my tongue
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
