well I can't set my house on fire every night
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She needs sedatives and a leash
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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