I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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