Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
