if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
