yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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