i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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