happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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