I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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