I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
