I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
