i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
