Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
