I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
