if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
