i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
