apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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