And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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