Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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