the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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