i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
