Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
