Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
