But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
