dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
