I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
