someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
