my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
