There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
