woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
