You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
