talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
