Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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