first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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