i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
