Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
